♥ Amy ♥

~ In Memory of our precious Amy ~ 

Oct 13, 1983- May 13, 2012

Psalm 45: 13 & 15 ~ All glorious is the princess in her chamber, with robes interwoven with gold. In many-colored robes she is led to the king...With joy and gladness they are led along as they enter the palace of the king.  

This year our family suffered a huge loss. On Mother's Day, May 13th, our precious daughter/sister Amy went home to be with Jesus. Our hearts are broken. You could even say shattered into a million pieces. Never have we suffered such a loss as this. 

The Lord has sustained us through this difficult time, though; 
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3) . 

He has given us wonderful friends who lift us daily in prayer;     
Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 
(Gal 6:2). 

We have assurance that we are not alone in our grief. 

Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows. (Isaiah 53:4)

He gives us strength...

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word. (Psalm 119:28)

There will be brighter days ahead...

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. (Psalm 30:11-12)

So you see, even amidst pain and sorrow...

Life is full of joy from the Lord! 

July 20, 2012

Scrapbooking Challenge ~ Peace (about my final hours with Amy)



OCTOBER 13, 2012

I've decided that I will periodically add to this page instead of making separate blog posts related to Amy. 

I wanted to share this story today (on what would have been Amy's 29th birthday) that my husband wrote about Amy many years ago. She was probably around 14 or so.

                    Broken Petals

The frame of the wheelchair bumped softly against the baseboard as she struggled to maneuver closer to the window. Amy had been sitting there for some time now, watching the rain splatter against the glass. Perhaps it was the way that the drops would combine on the glass with the others, until they would streak down and make a puddle on the sill that had captured her eye. She seemed mesmerized, not even letting the sounds of children playing in the other room break her intense gaze.

Reaching out, revealing the atrophy that was slowly robbing her arm of strength, she pressed her fingers against the cool glass. Fog rapidly developed around the outline of her warm hand as she made a futile attempt to capture one of the descending drops. Even on rainy days, when it would be difficult to find enough activities to keep her mind occupied, she would always amaze us with her ability to find the simplistic beauty hidden in plain sight.

The genetic syndrome that had robbed her mobility also denied her the ability to talk and communicate. You could see the frustration in her eyes as she would try to share the thoughts trapped inside the walls of her mind. Only the time and perseverance of her mother’s love was capable of penetrating the barrier between her world and the reality of ours. With compassion laced insight, her mother was able to look beyond her physical limitations and translate the hidden desires embodied in the silence of our daughter’s unspoken words.

Every parent dreams that their child will be perfect in every way, just as my wife and I did. All of the planning and support from friends and family could not fully prepare us for the long days spent standing by a bed at the hospital, helpless to do anything but pray. God, in his sovereign design, had chosen us to care for one of His special angels, teaching us that her fragile life, like a rose, whose petals are gently crushed, releases a bouquet of fragrance that permeates the air leaving an indelible impression on each life touched.

The rain has stopped now and the drops left on the glass lay still. Looking back at Amy sitting at the window, a tear can be seen slowly moving down her cheek, resting briefly on her chin until it drops into the palm of God.

~ by Jerry Payne

(Please don't copy or use without his permission)


Praising the Lord today that ALL her tears have been wiped away!

October 25, 2012

Rambling or Reflecting, I know not which (blog post)

 

November 13, 2012

6 Months ~ Where I am today

Today marks 6 months since I said goodbye to my sweet girl, Amy. On the one hand, I can't believe it. On the other, it seems like forever. These months have been fraught with so much pain and so many tears. There have been times I thought I would be just as happy to lay down and die. That's just the honest truth, folks.

Thankfully, those moments didn't last long and were replaced with a knowledge that I am needed here. God isn't finished with me yet; no need to rush things along no matter how sad or depressed I may be at any given moment in time.

How did I overcome those thoughts and feelings? Prayer, plain and simple. I have asked  my family and friends time and time again for prayer, and I know that each one has been heard because there is a determination in me to survive. The only way that is possible is through Christ and his strength overshadowing that of my own. That's just what Philippians 4:13 says ~ "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" That is Truth! I am weak but He is strong!

I know there are challenges to come - Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, the 1 yr anniversary of her death - and I will probably still be asking for prayer, but I have gotten to a place where I can pray too. For a time, I couldn't. Words would not come. But my fellow sisters and brothers in Christ stood in the gap for me, and for that I am so thankful!

My heart still aches and my arms feel empty as I travel this road of grief. After all, she was my 'baby' for 28 yrs. I know it will be a lifetime before complete healing takes place but as time goes by the days get more bearable, more joyful, and more anticipated!

At times, we all need encouragement. I don't know what you might be going through but in hopes that one of these songs will touch a chord in your heart and soul, I want to share the music we played at Amy's memorial service (ok, we didn't play the videos, just the songs) and explain why we chose what we did. First off, she loved music. I mean really loved music. All kinds too! She had lots of cd's from all genres; Country and Contemporary Christian being her favs. So with that in mind, we chose two songs from her favorite artists - What a Friend We Have in Jesus by Alan Jackson, and In Christ Alone by The Newsboys. The final song we played was Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) by Chris Tomlin because her chains are gone and she's been set free! Amen & Amen!!!

On a side note: I know my heart is healing because for months I couldn't listen to these songs. The first few times I finally did, I bawled...buckets of tears. For the first time this week I didn't shed a single tear. Oh, I got choked up but no tears fell. I was able to smile and sing through each song, and raise my own hands in praise to Him who sits on the throne of Glory!

And I just had to share this:

~ Willow Tree Angel ~
Bringing a triumphant Spirit,
inspiration and courage

My sister Susie, along with our precious friend (Aunt) Bonnie, bought this lovely angel from Willow Tree to sit on top of the wooden urn that was fashioned beautifully by my brother, Gene.

Why this particular angel you may ask? Because they imagined Amy throwing her arms up in praise and shouting I'm here! JOY overflowing!!!

Pretty cool, huh?

Have a great day in the Lord!

The Angel image is from Willow Tree. Just click on her to go there. 

Videos are on YouTube. No infringement intended. 

Images of Amy are mine, Please don't take them or pin them.

Thanks!

November 19, 2012

What's in a name?

Amy \a-my\ as a girl's name is pronounced AY-mee. It is of Old French and Latin origin, and the meaning of Amy is "beloved". Anglicized form of the Old French Amee, meaning "beloved", which originated as a nickname from the Latin Amata, from "amare", meaning "to love".
 

Catharine \c(a)-thari-ne, cath(a)-rine\ as a girl's name is a variant of Catherine (Greek) and Katherine (Greek), and the meaning of Catharine is "pure".  

Isn't it funny how names can be so perfect? Little did we know when we chose these names for our girl that they would fit her to a "t"! She was truly beloved, easy to love and pure :) 

February 13, 2013


Today marks 9 months that my Amy went home to be with the Lord. From the day she was born until the day she died, I sang her this simple song, many times. It was even cross-stitched by my sister onto a little wall hanging for Amy's nursery.

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When the skies are grey
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
So please don't take
My sunshine
Away

The other night dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear
I was mistaken
And I held
My head
And cried




March 13, 2013

Need You Now (How Many Times), Plumb

Well, everybody's got a story to tell 

And everybody's got a wound to be healed 

I want to believe there's beauty here 

'Cause oh I get so tired of holding on 

I can't let go, I can't move on 

I want to believe there's meaning here 

Chorus: 

How many times have you heard me cry out 

"God please take this"? 

How many times have you given me strength to 

Just keep breathing? 

Oh, I need you 

God, I need you now. 

Standing on a road I didn't plan 

Wondering how I got to where I am 

I'm trying to hear that still small voice 

I'm trying to hear above the noise 

Chorus: 

How many times have you heard me cry out 

"God please take this"? 

How many times have you given me strength to 

Just keep breathing? 

Oh, I need you 

God, I need you now. 

Oh I walk, Oh I walk through the shadows 

And I, I am so afraid 

Please stay, please stay right beside me 

With every single step I take 

How many times have you heard me cry out? 

And how many times have you given me strength? 

Chorus: 

How many times have you heard me cry out 

"God please take this"? 

How many times have you given me strength to 

Just keep breathing? 

Oh, I need you 

God, I need you now. 

I need you now 

Oh, I need you 

God, I need you now 

I need you now 

I need you now

October 13, 2013

I wanted to write some big tribute to my daughter but these are all the words I have today.

How I wish I could hug you and tell you how much joy you brought into my life 30 years ago today, my sweet Amy. The past 17 months has seemed an eternity on one hand and has flown by on the other. I know you are beyond time & space and fully immersed in our Savior's love. I love you still, and miss you more each day. Hugs & kisses from Mom.

October 13, 2014

I woke up this morning thinking that I need to be smiling and 'on' for everyone today but I'm not going to pretend that today is not a challenging day because it is. Today was the day my husband and I became parents for the first time but our Amy is not here to celebrate with anymore. She would have been 31 today. It doesn't seem possible that only two and a half years have gone by since we said goodbye. At this moment, it feels like forever. Our family is missing an essential part that can never be replaced and our hearts still grieve over the wound. Loving and missing our Amy girl...always.

3rd Anniversary...

Today, May 13th, 2015, marks the third anniversary of my oldest daughter, my firstborn, being ushered into her eternal home. I wrote this poem during the Writing Through the Heartache grief workshop by author Alice Wisler, a grieving mom herself. Writing has been instrumental in the grief process and I haven't shared much of it, but today I wanted to share this poem. Amy had delicate hands and she loved to have them held. And I loved to hold them. I miss that. 
I miss her.

hands

tiny and weak

your newborn hands,

cradled protectively

within my own,

sweet kisses from my lips

cover them in prayer.

slender and cool

your delicate hands,

entwined  gently

within my own,

hot tears and desperate kisses

blanket them in prayer.

warm and strong

your beautiful hands,

reaching out

enfolded safely,

for all eternity

held by Another.

creased and worn,

my cold hands

rest empty,

wet with tears

and

silent prayers.

Written by Anne Payne
April 24^th 2013

The following are Scriptures that show how much the Lord loves us and comforts us in our grief.

Matthew 5:4  “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Isaiah 41:10  “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Psalm 18:28  “You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

Isaiah 43:2  “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

Truly, without the love and compassion of the Lord and his constant heart, my humanness would fail to uphold me during these last three years.

Praying that each of you who are walking this road of grief feel His presence today and everyday.

 : : : : :

October 13, 2015 

Psalm 56:8 

You keep track of all my sorrows. 
You have collected all my tears in your bottle. 
You have recorded each one in your book.

32 years. 

It's hard to believe I'm the mother of a child who would have been 32 years old today. It seems like only yesterday that the weak sound of Amy's cry was heard when her tiny and trembling body was ushered into this world by cesarean section, and her vernix covered cheek was caressed softly against my wet one.

Once again my cheeks are glistening with tears as I sit here and remember the day her life began and how she felt--the first touch of her face on mine, the sweetness of a moment like no other.

I cherish the time the Lord allowed me to feel Amy's face against mine. I'm even thankful for the moments our tears mingled together during hard times and good times--trials and triumphs--for without one we would never know the other.

While I will always grieve the physical withdrawal of Amy, I hold her in my heart and imagine the whisper soft touch of her cheek against mine when a gentle breeze brushes across my face.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

My Journey Through Grief Continues

…and will really never end. Losing a child is not something a parent ever gets over. There is no magic moment when we say, "Hey, I'm done grieving!"  In fact, the same holds true in the loss of a parent or sibling or spouse. But I'm speaking about the loss of a child; specifically my loss of Amy.

Sorrow has become my constant companion and can take many forms. It can feel like a thousand pound weight on my chest that literally takes my breath away, at other times it’s been a shadow of darkness inhibiting daily life, or sometimes it's a hitch in my heart each time I remember her.  But it's there. Every day. Especially on birthdays and holidays.

Whatever shape grief is taking in your life, I understand it isn't pretty. I understand your need to withdraw. To run. To hide. Even if it’s all on the inside, because we must look normal on the outside. No one mentions our loss. No one says our daughters name. No one asks how we are doing. It’s been three years, after all. Surely we’ve gotten over that and moved on. Nope. Not gonna happen. Not in this life anyway.

So the reason I am writing this today is because I want you to know I’m thinking about you. I know how bad it hurts. And I’m hurting with you and for you. I’m acknowledging  the pain always present in your heart and mine. The next two days are going to be tough but we can make it. Because I know one thing to be true. We are parents who fought the fight for and with our child. We don’t give up when the going gets tough. We fight! With every breath in our grief stricken bodies, we fight. And we win. Every day that we get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and keep going, we win. We are warriors!

Here’s a few quotes I found on Griefnet.org that I really like. –

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone." — Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

The best tribute you can make to a loved one is the life you live after the death.— unknown  
                       

Have courage for the great sorrows in life, and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.— Victor Hugo

My words probably aren’t eloquent as these others but they are just as heartfelt. I sincerely wish each one of you grieving parents (or spouse, sibling, child) a Blessed Christmas!

May the hope we have in Christ be alive in your hearts today and give you peace.


December 2, 2017
Christmas Angel (blog post)