Pressing Me Out of My Comfort Zone

Amy's 20th birthday

As many of you know, my daughter passed away 6 1/2 years ago at age 28 after a lifelong battle with multiple disabilities. Two months after Amy's death, I participated in a workshop taught by the talented writer/author Alice Wisler on Writing the Heartache. This workshop freed a fountain of words that poured out of me. 

Over the next 10 months or so, I continued writing and showed some of my scribbling (for lack of a better word) to a couple of author friends and was encouraged by them to take my writing to the next level and submit a couple of articles for publication. They were super kind in offering advice and even critiques but my deep-seated fear of rejection and lack of confidence kept me from taking that next step, until God intervened.  

In October 2018, I was contacted by the founder and senior editor of the online publication Broken but Priceless:The Magazine asking me if I would be their guest writer in January. My initial thought was "I am not a writer" and that's what I responded back to Erin. She told me to pray about it because as she was praying about who to ask, I kept coming to mind. That gave me pause. Even though we are friends on social media, I had never spoken to Erin about writing. 

Embracing this opportunity the Lord provided, I emailed Erin back to tell her I would do it even though I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to read what I write. For many, it wouldn't seem like a big deal or even a challenging thing to do. For someone who fears rejection and lacks confidence, it's a big thing. I have much to learn about the craft of writing but I know this is the path I am supposed to be on at this time. Where it will lead, I don't know for sure. But I know the One who does and that is good enough for me!

Philippians 4:13 ~ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

If you would like to read my article titled Grief is not Temporary, you can sign up for your FREE copy of the magazine to be delivered to your inbox. Erin Elizabeth Austin and those who write regularly for Broken but Priceless share a much needed ministry encouraging those who live with chronic illness or are caregivers for someone suffering a chronic illness/disease. 

If you are in a hurting and/or desert place, I hope that you'll find refreshment among the stories shared by these women. I know I've been encouraged by their faith and fortitude in the face of their many trials and tribulations. May God bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you and give you peace. Amen!

Here is the link to the magazine if you would like to sign up>>>Broken but Priceless Ministries

My Journey Through Grief Continues

…and will really never end. Losing a child is not something a parent ever gets over. There is no magic moment when we say, "Hey, I'm done grieving!"  In fact, the same holds true in the loss of a parent or sibling or spouse. But I'm speaking about the loss of a child; specifically my loss of Amy.

Sorrow has become my constant companion and can take many forms. It can feel like a thousand pound weight on my chest that literally takes my breath away, at other times it’s been a shadow of darkness inhibiting daily life, or sometimes it's a hitch in my heart each time I remember her.  But it's there. Every day. Especially on birthdays and holidays.

Whatever shape grief is taking in your life, I understand it isn't pretty. I understand your need to withdraw. To run. To hide. Even if it’s all on the inside, because we must look normal on the outside. No one mentions our loss. No one says our daughters name. No one asks how we are doing. It’s been three years, after all. Surely we’ve gotten over that and moved on. Nope. Not gonna happen. Not in this life anyway.

So the reason I am writing this today is because I want you to know I’m thinking about you. I know how bad it hurts. And I’m hurting with you and for you. I’m acknowledging  the pain always present in your heart and mine. The next two days are going to be tough but we can make it. Because I know one thing to be true. We are parents who fought the fight for and with our child. We don’t give up when the going gets tough. We fight! With every breath in our grief stricken bodies, we fight. And we win. Every day that we get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and keep going, we win. We are warriors!

Here’s a few quotes I found on Griefnet.org that I really like. –

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone." — Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

The best tribute you can make to a loved one is the life you live after the death.— unknown  
                       

Have courage for the great sorrows in life, and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.— Victor Hugo

My words probably aren’t eloquent as these others but they are just as heartfelt. I sincerely wish each one of you grieving parents (or spouse, sibling, child) a Blessed Christmas!

May the hope we have in Christ be alive in your hearts today and give you peace.

Rivendell Resources grants anyone the right to reprint this information without request for compensation so long as the copy is not used for profit and so long as this paragraph is reprinted in its entirety with any copied portion. For further information contact: GriefNet

Grace happens.

Sweet Cheeks

Psalm 56:8

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

32 years. 

It's hard to believe I'm the mother of a child who would have been 32 years old today. It seems like only yesterday that the weak sound of Amy's cry was heard when her tiny and trembling body was ushered into this world by cesarean section, and her vernix covered cheek was caressed softly against my wet one.

Once again my cheeks are glistening with tears as I sit here and remember the day her life began and how she felt--the first touch of her face on mine, the sweetness of a moment like no other.

I cherish the time the Lord allowed me to feel Amy's face against mine. I'm even thankful for the moments our tears mingled together during hard times and good times--trials and triumphs--for without one we would never know the other.

While I will always grieve the physical withdrawal of Amy, I hold her in my heart and imagine the whisper soft touch of her cheek against mine when a gentle breeze brushes across my face.

{Sunday} Morning Worship & Praise - Stormy Weather

Good morning, Friends!

After almost 50 days without rain, we have finally gotten into the afternoon thunderstorm pattern. A few have been accompanied by some serious looking clouds. 

 I took this one with my cell phone on zoom (hence the graininess) as I was in a hurry to get back inside. Despite the fact that it looked like a Tornado was forming, it was a false alarm.

But seeing these storm clouds made me think about the storms in life and what they mean. I found this excellent article by J Vernon McGee on OnePlace.com and thought I would share.

Articles By Thru the Bible

Weathering the Storms

 Dr. J. Vernon McGee

That no man should be moved by these afflictions: for yourselves know that we are appointed thereunto. For verily, when we were with you, we told you before that we should suffer tribulation; even as it came to pass, and ye know. (1 Thessalonians 3:3,4)

Here is a statement that is a little hard for any of us to swallow. Paul says that we should not be disturbed by "these afflictions," that is, pressures and tensions. Then he makes the amazing statement that "we are appointed thereunto." We know that we are going to go through storms. They will be temporary, but we cannot escape them. We are going to have trouble down here; the Word of God makes that very clear. Paul wants the Thessalonians to stand for the Lord in the midst of afflictions.

There are other passages of Scripture that teach this same truth. The Lord Jesus said, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). Tribulation is the trouble that all of us are going to have. There is no way around it. Yet the Lord Himself tells us to be of good cheer even in the midst of trouble.

If you are a believer, you are not going to escape trouble. To accept Christ does not mean to take out an insurance policy against suffering. The fact of the matter is that you will have trouble after you become a child of God, even if you haven't had any trouble before. He has never promised that we would miss the storm, but we will go through all the storms of life. What He does say very definitely and dogmatically is that He will go with us through the storms and that we will reach the harbor. Any boat that He is in will not go to the bottom of the Sea of Galilee but will reach the other side. You and I are in the process of going to the other side.

The time to be concerned is when there is no cloud in the sky, no ripple on the sea, and everything is smooth and nice. Then you might question your salvation. But if you are experiencing trouble down here, if the pressures and tensions of life are on you, then that is a sign that you are a child of God. This is the way God teaches us to rely on Him.

I remember hearing about a congregation where the pastor asked for some favorite verses of Scripture. One man got up and said his favorite verse was, "And it came to pass." He sat down, and everyone looked puzzled. The pastor asked him how in the world that could be his favorite passage. He answered, "When I get in trouble, I turn to where it says, 'It came to pass,' and I know my troubles came to pass. They didn't come to stay." God will bring us through the storms. We will finally be rid of all our troubles. How wonderful that is.

—From Edited Messages on 1 Thessalonians by Dr. J. Vernon McGee

If you've followed my blog for long you know I've faced some storms, the worst being the loss of my daughter, Amy, three years ago. All I can say, over and over, is that without Jesus, I could not  weather that soul damaging tornado. One day, I will be rid of that storm because this too shall pass. 

And then I found this beautiful song by Rich Mullins, Bound To Come Some Trouble. I had not heard this one before but it resonates in my heart and encourages me in my daily walk with Jesus! 

Hold fast, my friends! Even though we are not promised a road without strife or tribulation, we are promised that Jesus sees our heart ache and his precious Holy Spirit will provide us comfort.

~Have a blessed Sabbath~

Candles Around the World

In memory of our daughter, Amy. 

We participated in another year with The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting, uniting family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor the memories of the sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, and grandchildren who left too soon. As candles were lit at 7:00 p.m. local time, on December 14th, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorated and honored the memory of all children gone too soon.

Journal52 ~ Week 1: Up Up & Away

I have to admit that I struggled at the beginning of the week with this prompt. The first thought seemed to be balloons or birds of some kind. After several attempts that ended up in the trash, I finally settled on using a photo I took of a Willow Tree Angel given to my family when our Amy passed away a year and a half ago. 

I love the song You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban (I know he didn't intend it as a 'spiritual' song but it works well in this instance). With a slight alteration, I stamped You Raised Me Up Up & Away then cut out a pocket watch from the paper that says 'Perfection' because Amy is now perfect.

Taking it a step further, I printed out this Scripture verse from Psalm 45 onto a piece of parchment paper, then tore and inked it for a vintage look. The verse has special meaning for our family, as our nephew posted it on my FB wall after Amy's death. We knew we wanted to use it during her memorial service, and my BIL, who preached the service for us, read it aloud. 

Here's the completed page in the journal. So far, I've used the Rosewood paper pack from Colorbok. I think I'll try and find some more papers that coordinate so I can change it up a little as I go along. I'm sure each weeks prompt won't be conducive to these particular papers. 

I always have a hard time writing on the pages so I journaled on the back. What I should have done was make a pocket area behind the photo to slip a journal card in. Next time, I will remember this :)

It's not too late to join the group and start your art journal! The more the merrier. There are some fantastic artists in this group and I know I will be learning some great techniques this year. Also, the workshop is FREE so hop on over and check it out at Journal52.com.

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Our candle was lit

On Sunday, December 8th, we lit a candle in remembrance of our Amy and other children, siblings, brothers and sisters who have gone too soon. This worldwide event was sponsored by The Compassionate Friends who help families after the loss of a child. 

Psalm 45:13-15

All glorious is the princess in her chamber, 

with robes interwoven with gold.
     In many-colored robes she is led to the king...   

  With joy and gladness they are led along
    as they enter the palace of the king.

My heart goes out to all those who joined in and lit a candle, as we obviously have a sorrowful event in common. My prayer for each of us is that even in the midst of the darkest hour imaginable, the Light will penetrate and bring about healing and restoration in our lives.

To learn more about the Worldwide Candle Lighting just click on The Compassionate Friends. 

Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Practice makes perfect & a personal note

I was out exploring the yard, taking some practice shots the other day, trying to learn how to blur the background in a shot but have the main subject crisp & clear. I managed some pretty decent shots so I thought I'd share them today.

The bane of my existence are Pecan Trees in the spring. We have five of them on our property, all close to the house, and all are in full blossom. Hundreds of these pollen filled tassels are making everything green and causing me to sneeze.

Some old pots leaning kind of funky against the well. I like how they swoop up and draw my eye to the corner.

A well protected Thrasher egg nestled inside a Holly bush. 

Love this grass!

Spotted this mushroom among some tiny weeds, glistening in the sun. It's not as big as it looks!

I managed to sit my camera on the ground and take some shots. I couldn't even see the viewfinder because I had crammed it so far down. This is my husband's favorite shot of the mushroom so I had to include it :)

I felt kind of weird taking what seemed to be random photos, but it is really stirring my creative juices. I'm no where near where I want to be but it is fun to reach for a creative goal!

Do you ever just go out to play?

~~~~~

By the time most of you see this post it will be Mother's Day. If you are a mom, I wish you all the best memories! I will be remembering my beautiful daughter Amy and our final goodbye on Mother's Day last year.

Here's a poem I wrote recently in memory of Amy, as an assignment in a grief writing course I am taking.

Hands

tiny and weak

your newborn hands,

cradled protectively

within my own,

sweet kisses from my lips

cover them in prayer.

slender and cool

your delicate hands,

entwined  gently

within my own,

hot tears and desperate kisses

blanket them in prayer.

warm and strong

your beautiful hands,

reaching out

enfolded safely,

for all eternity

held by Another.

creased and worn,

my cold hands

rest empty,

wet with tears

and

silent prayers.

Written by Anne Payne, April 24^th 2013

(Do not copy or use in any way without my permission)

I do truly wish you all a blessed day in the Lord!

Tuesday {Textures}

~my lavender~
nc Bisque 220 texture

In light of the one year anniversary of my daughter's death approaching, I can truly claim 

~Philippians 4:7~

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, 

will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

sharing with

I can face today because...

6 Months ~ Where I am today

Today marks 6 months since I said goodbye to my sweet girl, Amy. On the one hand, I can't believe it. On the other, it seems like forever. These months have been fraught with so much pain and so many tears. There have been times I thought I would be just as happy to lay down and die. That's just the honest truth, folks.

Thankfully, those moments didn't last long and were replaced with a knowledge that I am needed here. God isn't finished with me yet; no need to rush things along no matter how sad or depressed I may be at any given moment in time.

How did I overcome those thoughts and feelings? Prayer, plain and simple. I have asked  my family and friends time and time again for prayer, and I know that each one has been heard because there is a determination in me to survive. The only way that is possible is through Christ and his strength overshadowing that of my own. That's just what Philippians 4:13 says ~ "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" That is Truth! I am weak but He is strong!

I know there are challenges to come - Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, the 1 yr anniversary of her death - and I will probably still be asking for prayer, but I have gotten to a place where I can pray too. For a time, I couldn't. Words would not come. But my fellow sisters and brothers in Christ stood in the gap for me, and for that I am so thankful!

My heart still aches and my arms feel empty as I travel this road of grief. After all, she was my 'baby' for 28 yrs. I know it will be a lifetime before complete healing takes place but as time goes by the days get more bearable, more joyful, and more anticipated!

At times, we all need encouragement. I don't know what you might be going through but in hopes that one of these songs will touch a chord in your heart and soul, I want to share the music we played at Amy's memorial service (ok, we didn't play the videos, just the songs) and explain why we chose what we did. First off, she loved music. I mean really loved music. All kinds too! She had lots of cd's from all genres; Country and Contemporary Christian being her favs. So with that in mind, we chose two songs from her favorite artists - What a friend We Have in Jesus by Alan Jackson and In Christ Alone by The Newsboys. The final song we played was Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) by Chris Tomlin because her chains are gone and she's been set free! Amen & Amen!!!







On a side note: I know my heart is healing because for months I couldn't listen to these songs. The first few times I finally did, I bawled...buckets of tears. For the first time this week I didn't shed a single tear. Oh, I got choked up but no tears fell. I was able to smile and sing through each song, and raise my own hands in praise to Him who sits on the throne of Glory!


And I just had to share this:

~ Willow Tree Angel ~
Bringing a triumphant Spirit,
inspiration and courage

My sister Susie, along with our precious friend (Aunt) Bonnie, bought this lovely angel from Willow Tree to sit on top of the wooden urn that was fashioned beautifully by my brother, Gene.

Why this particular angel you may ask? Because they imagined Amy throwing her arms up in praise and shouting I'm here! JOY overflowing!!!

Pretty cool, huh?



Have a great day in the Lord!


The Angel image is from Willow Tree. Just click on her to go there. 
Videos are on YouTube. No infringement intended. 
Images of Amy are mine, Please don't take them or pin them.
Thanks!